Like us on Facebook!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

NFL Week 15 One-and-a-Half Liners

A look back at NFL Week 15.

San Diego Chargers 34, San Francisco 49ers 7

Vincent Jackson's 3 touchdowns proves general manager A.J. Smith was right not to meet his contract demands. (As he explains to a wig-wearing LaDanian Tomlinson, "Pimpin' been pimpin' since been pimpin'...")

Cincinnati Bengals 19, Cleveland Browns 17

The Bengals snap their 10-game losing streak, while the Browns snap Terrell Owens meniscus. (Might need to cop some Knee Grows...)

Dallas Cowboys 33, Washington Redskins 30

Rex Grossman threw 4 TDs, but in the end was no match for Jon Kitna and the Cowboys offense. (Donovan McNabb just threw up, again...)

Tennessee Titans 31, Houston Texans 17

In the second of the two matchups this season, the Titans jumped on the Texans early with 21 first quarter points. (Kind of how Andre Johnson jumped on Courtland Finnegan early in the first matchup...)

Indianapolis Colts 34, Jacksonville Jaguars 24

The Colts, in true big-brother fashion, let the Jags get their division title hopes up just long enough before snatching it away yet again. (Maybe the Jags can put the Colts on the next season of "Bully Beatdown"...)

Kansas City Chiefs 27, St. Louis Rams 13

The Chiefs may win the AFC West by being the best team in the NFC West (4-0 against the 49ers, Rams, Seahawks and Cardinals this season). (Boise State laughs uncontrollably at the Chiefs non-conference schedule...)

Buffalo Bills 17, Miami Dolphins 14

The Dolphins fall to 7-7, but are 1-6 at home. (If something like this happened to Sun Life Stadium, the Dolphins might be leading the AFC East...)

Detroit Lions 23, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 20 (OT)

The Lions win a road game for the first time in three years. (Geno Auriemma is disappointed that you care more about the Lions losing than his women winning over the same time period, you miserable bastards...)

Philadelphia Eagles 38, New York Giants 31

DeSean Jackson returned a muffed punt 65 yards for a touchdown on the game's final play to cap a 28 point fourth quarter comeback by the Eagles. (You wanna know how Jackson got his pet cheetah? His Benjamin pile? Because he's faaaaaaa-aaast...)

Carolina Panthers 19, Arizona Cardinals 12

Nobody cares. (Nobody cares...)

Baltimore Ravens 30, New Orleans Saints 24

Even after watching the game, it remains unknown if these teams are both Super Bowl contenders, or first round flame outs. (Also, fantasy football owners of Ray Rice thank him for having his first great game of the season, ten weeks too late to validate taking him number one overall...)

Atlanta Falcons 34, Seattle Seahawks 18

The Falcons continue to lure people into believing that they are the best team in the NFC. (Pete Carroll continues to be a completely mediocre head coach on the professional level, even though it's legal to pay players...)

Oakland Raiders 39, Denver Broncos 23

Tim Tebow allegedly made his first start at quarterback, yet carried the ball 8 times for 78 yards and a TD. (Meanwhile, God smiled on the Raiders, who are at .500 in December for the first time since 2002, when this massacre happened...)

New York Jets 22, Pittsburgh Steelers 17

The Jets beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh for the first time in franchise history, and score an offensive TD for the first time in three games. (The Steelers secure a playoff spot in the loss, and the media ignores Mike Tomlin allowing Big Ben to throw 44 times in the snow, when Rashard Mendenhall became the first player to run for 100 yards against the Jets on only 17 carries...)

New England Patriots 31, Green Bay Packers 27

Matt Flynn filled in admirably for Aaron Rodgers (251 yards passing, 3 TDs), but was no match for Tom Brady's hair or clock management capability. (Somewhere in Louisiana, Les Miles is smiling...)

Chicago Bears 40, Minnesota Vikings 14

As Brett Favre picked himself up off the turf after being planted by Bears DE Corey Wootton, it reminded me of the end of "Fallen", when the demon Azazel leaves Denzel's dead body, floats around, and finally reveals itself having possessed a cat that was nearby, saying "Oh, you forgot something, didn't you. I said I was going to tell you about the time I almost died..." (Jay Cutler sings, "Time is on my side...")

No comments:

Post a Comment